Some songs that are getting me through this trying time
Listen, I know we are all going through various trying times, each of us around the world, but I can only speak to mine own. Honestly, I probably shouldn't speak to it at all, but as they say, misery is best when it's shared! I only hope that you and history will judge me kindly.
Reader, I am in the midst of a fruit fly-pocalypse the likes of which I have never before seen, all because of a banana peel. A banana peel tossed in the bin recklessly two days before garbage day. "I'll be okay," I thought. "Everything will be fine. Two days only." How foolish. How brazen! If I survive this storm, I should march to City Hall and change my name to Icarus.
You see, I am only allowed to put out garbage the night before it is picked up by the city. No earlier! Not only will I incur a fine if I put it out early and some narc narcs on me, a bag left on the curb would surely be torn open and destroyed by seagulls long before collection day. Seagulls don't play! There is a chance they would tear open and destroy you if you sat on my curb for a couple of days so they could peck away at the disgusting trash inside (no offense). In the summertime, putting things in my trash can becomes a very dangerous game, one that requires great planning, strategy, and above all else, caution. But this week I got too cocksure--would one measly peel do me harm? In only two days?
Obviously the answer is "fucking YES." The next day I tossed something else and when the bin lid opened the hordes emerged. It was like that scene in The Descent, you know, when they first enter the cave and all of those computer bats swarm around Sarah and she's screaming and flapping? Like that.
I am doing what I can, but I know that unfortunately this is a long, slow war of attrition. My apartment has become a gauntlet of apple cider vinegar traps. I have ceded the kitchen for now--I daren't cook or make a pot of coffee. It is difficult to try to live a moisture-free life! I am honestly considering fleeing in the middle of the night, never to return. Let the fruit flies have it! Survival of the fittest and all that. It's been pure misery, although it does feel a little bit like a lame 1970s animal attack/nature's revenge movie, so that's a bright spot.
As I wait for one of us to die, though, I came up with a few appropriate songs that have helped soothe my jangled nerves some. To be frank, I lament that I don't really know how to write about music, because if I did I would do it more. Oh well!
No Scrubs – TLC
This song is fucking perfect, and I'm not just saying that because it was written by a Real Housewife. It is perfect! It's also funny that the official video censors "ass" and "ho." Ahh, were we ever so innocent??
Now see, if I could write about music I'd write something about the late 90s/early aughties era of R&B because good lord we had it good. Girl groups reigned supreme. Soloists? Please. Missy Elliott was regularly putting out albums. And so many videos were a kind of tin foil afro-futuristic sci-fi-flavored and what treasures. "No Scrubs" gives us this and more, these three queens looking and sounding stunning. It's perfect! R.I.P. Left Eye. (Man, "Left Eye burned down her boyfriend's mansion!" might have gotten different treatment in today's world, no? One can hope.)
Oh yeah, it's just a great song, but obviously I am singing it as "No Bugs" to go along with my current crisis.
Sodade – Cesária Évora
Perhaps you have never heard the immaculate voice of the late Cape Verdeen singer Cesária Évora? If that is the case, honestly, you're welcome. No better place to start than with "Sodade," a song that will take you places. Places to get lost in. (It's from her album Miss Perfumado, and trust, the whole album will take you places!)
Saudade is a Brazilian Portuguese word that conveys a longing for someone or something well-loved and absent, something you know you may never see again. All your memories and desires mixed together. Even if you don't understand a word Mme Évora is singing in "Sodade," she conveys it beautifully, doesn't she?
Obviously this song came to mind because it captures how I am feeling about my kitchen these days.
Will I Ever See You Again? – Red Velvet
On the other end of the musical spectrum from the last, perhaps, but another song that I dedicate to my abandoned kitchen.
Yes, it's k-pop. It's okay...try it! You might enjoy this one. In fact, it will surely be included should I ever do a post called "Some k-pop for people who don't like k-pop."
There would likely be a couple of Red Velvet songs on that list, actually. Sometimes they are straight-up R&B, sometimes they're absolutely bonkers. But one thing's for sure, whatever they do will--visually at least--have some kind of weird, sorta-creepy horror tinge to it, so you know I love 'em.
Bug-A-Boo – Destiny's Child
Oh, another Black girl group? Another song from 1999? Another song (co)written by Real Housewife Kandi Burruss? (Seriously, you would not believe Buruss's songwriting resume.) What can I say, that genre and that era were apparently speaking to my future predicament.
It's another banger. And what are these bugs if not bug-a-boos? I am throwing my pager out the window. I am breaking my lease so I can move. If those fruit flies had email, you'd best believe I would have aol make my emails stop.
Help Me Mary – Liz Phair
Ohhhhhh a perfect album, top to bottom, side to side.
This is not my favorite song on Exile in Guyville (usually that honor goes to "Divorce Song," if you're wondering) but it is the one I feel I could have written the moment the swarm arrived:
Help me, Mary, please
I've lost my home to thieves
They bully the stereo and drink
They leave suspicious things in the sink
Are the fruit flies making rude remarks about me? Probably! Are they egging me on and keeping me mad? 100%!
Fun (?) fact: Liz Phair was the only concert I've gone to alone. I worked in a record store and she was playing at a small club and it was sold out, but a record rep got me one ticket. It was in the days before we had computers in our pockets (it was right after she put out Whitechocolatespaceegg (the last album of her I loved :( ) so it was kind of awkward to be standing there but it was worth it. The more you know!
Kill City – Iggy Pop & James Williamson
2 and a half great minutes. When all of my Jigsaw-esque apple cider vinegar traps have been removed and I can once again allow people (not to mention myself) into my kitchen once more, for a while I will do it by saying "Welcome to Kill City."
Call Me Irresponsible – Julie London
Let's end this on a chill note, shall we?
Yes, this is me looking at the fruit flies and at all of you and saying mea culpa. (OMG should I add "Mea Culpa" by Enigma to this list of songs??) I can rage, rage against the not-dying of the fruit flies, but it was my reckless doing that brought them here. Call me irresponsible! Tell me I'm impractical! Call me a fool for putting a fucking banana peel in my garbage can!! It's undeniably true.
Obviously there are fifty million versions of this song to choose from, but in my humble opinion you can't beat Julie London. Is she my favorite lady crooner? I dare say yes. I listen to a lot of Julie London 'round these parts, that's for sure. I love her! Talk about soothing your soul...a voice like butter made of velvet, or perhaps velvet made of butter. And she played a nurse named Dixie on a show called Emergency!, so.
Well, that's that. Please keep me in your thoughts during this trying time, should you have the space for me. If you don't hear from me again, you should assume that the fruit flies won. On the bright side, that won't necessarily mean I perished after falling into one of my own apple cider vinegar traps in some kind of cruel twist, or accidentally setting myself on fire whilst trying to flamethrower them to death. It might simply mean that I have assimilated into their culture, learning their ways and living amongst them as one of a million annoying assholes. Whatever happens, please, don't do as I done did. But if you do, take solace in some great musical stylings.
